28 Women Tell Us How They Knew They Were Ready To Try Again After Loss
Wife, Mother, Blogger, Artist + Recurrent Miscarriage Survivor
All art in this post is by Kierra Butcher (@kierra_b_art)
Deciding when you're ready to try again after loss is such a personal journey. There is no right or wrong answer and everyone will feel a little different.
Hearing about other women's experiences might help you feel a little less alone though.
When asked, here's what 28 women shared:
1. I want to have another baby so bad, it’s one thing I think about constantly, but I’m terrified of having another stillbirth. And I don’t think my husband and I are emotionally ready.
2. really wanted to try again right away but I needed to wait at least 6 months!
3. It was important to my husband that our babies didn't overlap- he did not want us to get pregnant before our little one's "would have been birthday" which was just fine by me. My heart wasn't ready for it either. And we have to factor in a military deployment because we lost our daughter while he was deployed last fall and we do not want to live through that trauma again. So we'll wait until he is home from his next deployment before trying again.
4. I question myself daily about this question, and I pray and talk to God to give me a sign. There is a part of me that doesn’t want to plan and let love take it’s course, just like how we had RJ. We had been trying for a year and nothing even with medication, we decided to stop with the meds and focusing on trying and just enjoy us. Then out of no where we were pregnant with our first baby, RJ. Baby RJ was a blessing to us in every way during our pregnancy, then 3 weeks before our due date his heart stopped. We will never understand why, but we know he is in God’s care. Now, 6 months later we are wondering how do we know when we are ready... there is a part of us that wants to let love take its course again. Our doctor just told us, he wants us to be physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually ready before trying. We are still healing but I feel like our healing will be our lifetime because we loved RJ so much.
5.Sometimes I didn’t wait after a miscarriage. We’d get the go ahead from the doctor or try right away and we did. After other losses I was so emotionally spent that I knew I needed to wait. I knew I needed more time. After we lost one of our twins I knew we wanted more kids but was honestly scared. We waited and it felt right and allowed me to go into the next pregnancy with less fear.
6. My desire for a baby was stronger than me fear. We kept trying and got our rainbow thankfully.
7. First I love that you’re addressing this. It was such a confusing time to decide if we wanted to wait or keep trying after our miscarriage. We ultimately decided that we wanted to keep trying for our rainbow. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer. Follow your heart mamas!
8. One day I just knew I was ready. I couldn't imagine wanting another baby for the first few weeks after our loss - it just felt like such a betrayal of the one we lost. But I gave myself a lot of time and permission to grieve and heal, and I think that that's what ultimately helped me feel ready to try again. I didn't want my first baby to be forgotten, and I've finally gotten to the point where I can hold her memory and the hope for her sibling in my heart at the same time. Some people might be ready right away, but if you're reading this and you're not one of them - that's ok. Spend as much time as you need with your baby. You'll know when you're ready to try for another one.
9. We are 10 months post miscarriage and I’m still not ready. I can’t even step foot in my OBs office for a regular check up. And I think with Covid and the restrictions at our OBs office (no support person allowed), I know there is no way I could go on my own. Miscarriages are traumatic!
10. We decided we wanted to start trying for our rainbow as soon as possible. We lost our angel at 36wks+4. However falling pregnant with our rainbow didn’t come easy like falling with our angel. Now when I look back on things, it was my grief that was stopping things from happening and to be honest I’m glad my body knew I wasn’t ready it and gave me that time to grief the way I needed to in the first 12 months of the loss. So thankful our rainbow is finally on his or her way to us. Each day is a blessing and a miracle and I count my lucky stars for it. 🌈
11. After my miscarriage in Jan I was so afraid to try again. I was afraid to get excited again afraid of living a pregnancy in fear afraid of going through all that pain emotionally and physically again. I was so sad all of the time I cried for no reason everyday. I saw myself entering depression. That’s when I decided to pray night and day. 🙏🏿💕 and thankfully God helped me reach inner peace within myself and stop blaming myself. I started working out again, going places, and no longer crying. I left everything in Gods hands. After 3 months I finally had intercourse with my husband just 1 time. Not with intention to conceive at all. Here we are today May, and are 13 weeks pregnant with our little rainbow baby 🌈💕🙏🏿 Praying we have a healthy pregnancy. It hasn’t been easy going through an emotional roller coaster with highs lows and scares but I learned to be excited for our rainbow baby and we are lucky to have an Angel Baby looking over us ☺️🙏🏿 this is when I learned it’s not on our Time but Gods Time and his timing is always perfect 🌈💕
12. knew we were ready to start trying when my heart finally was calm. And one day our rainbow 🌈 will be in our arms.
13. We never waited to try for our rainbows 🌈. I feel like this question has many answers from every single women that went through a loss. As traumatic as it was with a few of ours (I've had 9 losses) i knew God let me know when it was time for our next baby. I also know for me, getting pregnant after a loss, its always so hard to keep calm and know things are always in God's hands and not mine.❤️
14. It took me about 8 months to be sure that I could be more joyful than anxious and fearful about a pregnancy.
15. Our rainbow was/still is a very big surprise, it’s only been 6 months since we lost our son. But we are feeling so ready 💕
16. Our recent miscarriage came from our first pregnancy after 6 years on the fertility journey. I think the work I've done mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically for my health to improve my fertility has helped me process from a more positive place seeing this as hope that we will get pregnant again and get to hold the baby we so long have been praying for, so we are trying right away. I'm still sad, yet honored and grateful this little being came to us although his physical presence was short, I know he's still here to guide me, my husband, and our future children.
17. We miscarried our baby Hope April 2019 and then were surprised to be pregnant in June 2019. Benjamin Edward Hankins was born on March 9, 2020 weighing 7lbs 5oz and 21in long. He was born with an unforeseen fatal birth defect and only lived for six hours. Joy turned to sorrow so quickly. Our arms are empty, the nursery is empty...but our hearts are full because of the hope we have in Jesus. I keep reminding myself that this life is temporary and that I will get to spend an eternity with my babies. So now we continue to grieve and we wait. We wait and work with a genetic counselor to see if there are any answers for Benjamin’s condition and what might the future of our family look like. But in the midst of our waiting we know God is near, He is faithful and He is good. We wait and we trust. 💖💙✝️
18. When my husband was counting the days my surgeon said that I would be physically able to try again 😆 I'm still not mentally in it...juat scared of another ectopic pregnancy 😭
19. Our first loss was in 2017 at 7.5 weeks, we were told it was safe to try again after my first cycle and we did so and conceived right away with our son who is 2.5 year’s old now. We lost our daughter at 20 weeks in April 2019 and we were VERY scared to try again but I felt the desire to try again and especially hearing that it would probably not happen again. We became pregnant again in July and full of joy! Everything was going well and all tests were great. I bought a Doppler and I listened to his heartbeat often, he was so active. But in October we lost him at 16 weeks. My anxiety and ptsd is awful, somedays I feel like I would love to try again in the future, other days or moments I feel like my fear could never allow me to. I want to know how Mamas were able to decide when they were ready and how it went for them too! I find myself looking for these answers on google often... I want to hear stories from real moms. ❤️
20.Honestly the hardest decision ever 😭 I feel like after having Soo many losses the longing for a baby is so strong it outweighs the anxiety and depression that sometimes comes with the thought of losing another... I often think about if I am ready to try again ... And I always tell myself I will take a break, I need a break to get back to normal, to get rid of the sadness and sorrow I have.... But the overwhelming feeling that I want a baby in my arms helps me know that I can try again!
21.I wanted to try again right away and my doctor gave me permission to after I got my first period back. I had two miscarriages in a row, but now 16 1/2 weeks with our double rainbow baby 💞 I knew I wanted my kids closer in age and my daughter turned 2 in March.
22. I became ready to want to try again fairly quickly. To me, it gives me a glimmer of hope to think about being able to become pregnant and have a baby earth side. 💕🙏🏻
23. I have so much fear of what’s next, especially in this climate. Mine was an ectopic which ended with a tube removal. I wanted to take this summer to go on adventures with my husband and do things I wouldn’t as a mom, but with COVID happening, I’m not sure which direction to turn or when I wont have anxiety or fear.
24. Oh boy. I’m on a time frame with my RE so every 6 months she wants my endometriosis cleaned up. We lost our little girl in March at 9w to turners and I’m prepping for an FET here in about 3 weeks.
25. II've been told 6 months from friday just gone I can try again. I will be reading "it starts with the egg" and starting a new vitamin regime in 3 months cc
26. We don't want the death of our son to be a negative thing in our life. We felt like if we lived in fear of getting pregnant again this would turn his life into a negative. We wanted to be physical parents before we had him and we still want that. Planning our next pregnancy has given us something positive to look forward to. We learned a lot from our little boy.
27. When there was a glimmer of hope again. And when I could think back on the losses and not feel the trauma anymore. Shooting for another embryo transfer in September! After over a year of being on pause 🌈
28.immediately after I had Lily. I just knew I had to bring a living baby home as soon as I could. we're still waiting for our 🌈 a year on from Lily's birthday