I cried I was in so much pain, not physical pain but emotional pain. He just hugged me and listened to me.

I cried I was in so much pain, not physical pain but emotional pain. He just hugged me and listened to me...

Anonymous Angel Mama

@kierra_b_art

August 5, 2019: testing just playing around because I was so used to getting Negatives on every test for the past 3 years.

All of the sudden two lines appeared I was Pregnant omg Pregnant my heart wanted to explode but I had to keep calm and wait until Daddy got home to tell him the news. 

I was beyond excited I’ve been waiting for you for the longest now. I would talk to your every single day since the moment I found out about you.

 I had morning sickness I felt very tired and sleepy all the time. I continued to test just to make sure you were still there

I was so scared to lose you I wanted to see you in an Ultrasound to see your little tiny self just the way I saw your brother 5 years ago in an ultrasound.

 I called about 10 offices of Doctors and Ultrasound places to see if I could go in just to see you. Everything was for the end of August. 

Daddy Brother Abuelitos Tios and Tias were so excited. Abuelito wanted a Girl, he said and assured you were a girl. Your Big Brother also said you were a girl.

I was beyond excited I wanted to tell EVERYONE and I mean Everyone...... daddy wanted to wait until we could see you and to make sure you were okay. 

August 12: I went back to work from summer vacation and of course I didn’t listen to daddy and I told people you were on the way...... I was beyond excited and everyone knew how bad I was waiting for you, I had to tell people. 

I was so excited for August 29 that was supposed to be our first ultrasound..... we didn’t make it that far

August 15: I went to work and did my day like any other day. On the way home I got a little scared so I started to feel cramping pains I thought it was just because I got scared and nervous. I waited for daddy to get home I thought I was going to feel better..... I did for a while it was your cousins birthday so we went to your tias house to celebrate. We came back home I took a shower and the pain came back stronger Daddy took me to the ER.

There I was scared but I was hoping I was just being dramatic and you were gonna be fine. I was in pain but very excited because I knew I was going to see you.

They took me into the ultrasound room I was nervous but praying you were okay! The ultrasound started and I asked the nurse one question “ is there a baby” she responded “I’m not allowed to give you any information only the doctor can” my heart started racing and I started to pray for you. We had to do two types of ultrasound on the second one I was shaking and very scared at this point. It was hurting but I thought baby is so little it might be hard to see my baby. The nurse made some facial expressions that worried me. I went back to the room with daddy and your brother. I was still nervous and scared but I kept telling your dad I was probably just being dramatic. Waiting for the doctor to come and tell me what was wrong felt like hours waiting for her to walk it the room. In my head you were okay.  

I was very wrong you were not okay and I didn’t even get a chance to see you my little baby. She said my blood work came out perfect I was in fact pregnant (I felt relieved) but then she said they couldn’t find your heart beat she said it was probably because you were still too little. And then she said the ultrasound showed an Ectopic Pregnancy.

 I felt like the world just landed on me I felt heavy and very Heartbroken. I wasn’t ready for that. I cried and cried. Your little brother was worried for mommy. The doctor said I had to be transferred to a hospital...... daddy and I called your Abuelitos to pick up your Brother.

They came in and I could help but cried. I had to tell them they were never gonna have the chance to meet you my love. I felt like I let them down. They said everything was going to be okay. I agreed but I knew it wasn’t. I was losing YOU it wasn’t going to be easy I was devastated. Abuelitos took your big brother home...... he didn’t want to leave. We were transferred to the hospital I had to ride alone with you in an Ambulance while daddy was waiting for us at the hospital.

 I was drained mentally physically and emotionally. We waited for a doctor to come in and confirm that in fact you were growing inside my Fallopian tube, there was no way you were going to survive. I was hopeless and heartbroken. He said you were little so we didn’t need surgery we had to let you go by using Methotrexate (Chemotherapy) medicine. I didn’t want to let you go, but I had too I had no choice. 

Daddy and I were at the hospital all Thursday night and Friday morning and evening. I cried through out our stay at the hospital I didn’t know what to do with myself I wanted you I wanted to see you grow and bond with your brother. We left the hospital, daddy was such a great support always worried and he was there for us. I was so nervous to come home and seeing everyone worried I wasn’t ready to tell your tia you were gone. I came upstairs and your Uncle was here he hugged me and I cried I was in so much pain, not physical pain but emotional pain. He just hugged me and listened to me.

We ate and I came upstairs to shower I cried and cried in there. We went to Walmart and passed by the baby items of course I cried I thought of you and the stuff we didn’t get to do with you. We came home got ready for bed and I cried uncontrollably once again. It’s my fault we didn’t get to meet you i felt so guilty. Daddy held me tight and helped me through it all. 

Saturday came around and things were not easy I woke up went to the restroom saw blood and cried once again. It wasn’t getting any easier. Our family gave us so much support but I could help but cry....... my baby my sweet pea was gone I felt empty. Yes I have your big brother and I have to be strong for him but you were a piece of my life I didn’t want to let you go.

On Tuesday August 20th I had to go get blood work to see if your still there. It looks like you are because my HCG levels are very high. 

Friday August 23rd I went back to get more blood work done. As of the same day 11:29 pm I’m still waiting for the results. You would of been 7 weeks tomorrow Saturday August 24 and I would gotten the chance to see you this coming Thursday but that was taken from me from us. 

This has been so hard for me. Going to a place and seeing all the pregnant women or them holding their babies and thinking why I didn’t get the chance to hold you kiss you and love you. Going to the store and seeing all the baby items and thinking of what could had been. What breaks me even more is the fact that I didn’t get to see you grown and feel you kick inside my belly. I will forever Remember you and love you. We didn’t get the chance to meet but just know We will forever Love you!! My Angel💞

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