Anxiety During Pregnancy After Loss
Pregnancy after loss = anxiety.
There’s no way around it, or at least I Haven’t found it.
I get asked about this more than anything else (next is about my low progesterone journey- you can read about that here)
I’ve had 5 losses.
My journey looks like this:
Miscarriage @ 8.5 weeks
Miscarriage @ 6 weeks
Miscarriage @ 4.5 weeks
Rainbow baby, born at 40 weeks
Miscarriage @ 5 weeks
Rainbow baby born at 40 weeks
Miscarriage & 5.5 weeks
Rainbow baby w/ help from progesterone born at 36 weeks
I always WANTED to feel connected and hopeful. I WANTED to have complete faith. I WANTED to think that the baby would stay.
During that pregnancy after my first loss I thought for sure that the first loss was just a fluke....but then the blood came. And I lost that baby.
Every pregnancy after that was filled with sickening dread and a desperation to feel something other than anxiety but I was unable to turn it off.
There was no "point" in pregnancy that the anxiety left. There was no relief.
Just worry. Just obsessing. Just anxiety.
I hated it but I couldn't turn it off.
The truth is that you'll never feel the same way you did during your first pregnancy. Before loss. That excitement. That immediate attachment. The planning.
I don't mean to be somber, but I want to show you that what you're feeling- as sucky as it is. It's normal. It's expected. And it's okay.
It's our brain's way of protecting itself from trauma.
And that's understandable.
People ask for tips, and the truth is- I don't I really have any. As time has gone by and I look back I have thought of some tips, but I have never really put them into play so I feel guilty sharing them.
Here they are regardless:
- Find little things outside of the pregnancy milestones to look forward to.
- Find people who you can vent to without judgement when you're at your lowest.
- Seek out help. It's okay. Therapy, Medication, etc. You're not a bad mom for doing this!
- Give it to God. You've done everything in your power and now it's up to his mercy and that's all you can do. As hard as it is.
- Take care of YOU and don't forget about self-care.
You're going to make it through this, no matter the outcome.
So while I don't have amazing advice from experience, I can offer solidarity that you're not alone in how you're feeling, and that its okay. You're not a bad mom or a bad human for feeling this way.
You're doing your best, and that's all that matters.