Her name means God has helped and immense happiness

" A few seconds later though she realized it wasn't your heart beat but mine..."

Janesse Ellison
@journey_of_a_stillbirth_momma

We got married January 5th 2019 and four months later we found out we were parent's. We were so excited and couldn't wait for our baby to be here. We decided to wait to find out the gender but I knew our baby was a girl. We had a textbook pregnancy and everything seemed fine. At 31 week's and 4 days I didn't feel her move I was a tad worried but didn't think of it to much. 

The next day I texted our midwife and she said get over to her or the hospital. The hospital was closer so that's where we went. They sent us upstairs and the nurse tried to find a heartbeat she thought she found it and said she was alive.

 A few seconds later though she realized it wasn't your heart beat but mine. 

 The nurse didn't say anything and called in another nurse they turned on the ultrasound machine and looked at you then turned it off and called to get a doctor. 

We were both confused yet I think we both knew.

The doctor told us I'm sorry there is no heartbeat.

All of a sudden we went from finishing your nursery to figuring out where and when we would give birth. We decided to go home for the night and spend one last night with you. We cried worshipped and prayed that we would somehow get a miracle. 

We chose to go to the hospital nearest to our midwife. The next day we went shopping for the only outfit you would ever wear. Somehow we managed to not cry in the baby store yet as soon as we got out we couldn't keep it together. We turned on Scripture lullabies and drove the hour to the hospital.

It felt like seconds and before I knew it we were checked in and getting induced. 26ish hours later you entered our arms silent yet still so beautiful. Dad was the first one to hold you as I couldn't stop sobbing. When I finally held you you were the most beautiful thing I ever saw and in that moment you taught me the vastness and deepness of a mother's love. 

That not even death could tear or waver the love I had for you. I know Jesus isn't just holding you but He's holding us to. Azarayah Felicity Ellison was born October 20th 2019 at 6:40 pm. Her name means God has helped and immense happiness. And it is the most fitting thing. 

 All of you walking in baby loss know you aren't alone and your baby or babies are not forgotten and that they are deeply loved.  

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