Faith Through Loss
This story was shared by a sweet mama who wishes to stay anonymous
My husband and I got married in June of 2018. In August, I found out I was pregnant with baby #1. We weren’t planning on getting pregnant that quickly, but it happened, and we were thrilled! We went in for our 8 week appointment and found out I was only measuring 5 weeks and had a large subchorionic hematoma. No heartbeat. Being the positive, faith-driven newlyweds we were, we prayed fervently that the next time we’d go in, baby would be growing and healthy. I started spotting and did research on what to watch out for. What was happening to me seemed pretty normal so I thought, maybe this baby would be a miracle.
I’m a teacher, so when school picked up again at the beginning of September, I was filled with hope for the new year. I’d told a couple of my coworkers who I knew were also Jesus followers and couldn’t help but beam knowing that inside was a little miracle. Until there wasn’t.
On Thursday, Sept. 6, we lost our first baby. I took an emergency sick day and went to the ER, with my husband of course, and heard the worst news I could imagine. Completely heartbroken, we drove back to our apartment and just wept. I couldn’t understand why. There would be nights when I cried myself to sleep missing the baby that I never got to meet.
After that first miscarriage, my cycle became irregular. I was diligent in taking my temperature to make sure that I’d ovulated, but each month, it came later and later. Randomly right on time, and then late again. I stayed on prenatals, because that’s what the doctors recommended. I have to have tried at least four different kinds.
Almost a year later in June of 2019, I found out I was pregnant again! Thrilled beyond all we could stand, we kept it a secret. Telling everyone so early last time to tell them two weeks later that baby was gone was too much for us. We knew that our family would be there for us no matter what and our closest friends would drop anything to help us. On Friday, August 23, we lost baby #2. Again, so close to the date we’d lost baby #1, but we were stronger because of it.
My cycle still hadn’t gone back to normal and I’d, in a way, given up on the dream of being able to conceive a baby naturally. My OB at the time was quite negative about the whole thing and made me feel like there was absolutely nothing that could be done. I might as well get tested for causes of recurrent miscarriages even though those tests don’t always come back with answers either. My husband and I decided to wait. Wait on God and His timing because above all else, he knows just what we need.
I ended up switching vitamins one last time, hoping that just MAYBE these would help regulate me. Slowly my cycle shifted back to normal. I found myself not worrying about what was going to happen because I knew that whatever came our way, God would bring us through. He had so far, right?
I’m now 7 weeks pregnant. My first appointment is a little over a week away and I’m terrified. The symptoms for this pregnancy are much more severe than they were for the other two, so that gives me so much hope. But at the same time, I fear that my hopes will crumble again if I see a gestational sac without a heartbeat. God is here. God is moving, but sometimes, I worry He’ll say “Not yet” again.